I know that I was posting all of my embarrassing moments and such, but, I kind of lost my momentum on the whole thing. I have not been in the greatest of moods lately. I am angry at a lot of things. Mainly my own situation. So, to those of you who really wanted the rest of my moments, it's not going to happen for a little bit. I am too angry to post anything. Let me tell you what has me so mad......
MONEY$$$$$$$$$$$$$ or lack thereof.
Many of you know that Andrew and I have planned on getting sealed in the temple. Let me tell you why we can't. It has nothing to do with Andrew and everything to do with me. You see, I pay the bills. I handle all the money. And, we have not been paying our tithing (collective gasp and shudder from the readers). I have always struggled with this. It has never been something that has come easy to me. I know that this is my trial. I do not have the faith to overcome it. Many of you can say how it was hard for you as well and that you were all able to overcome this trial and now you have had your blessings come pouring in.....I don't know what to say except I just flat out don't believe it. How can the church ask us to pay tithing when we have bills that need to be paid? Does the church want me out on the streets, my dogs to go to the pound, my baby Izzy put down because she is a pitbull mix, lose my house, and most likely my job because I am unable to shower and take care of general hygene because I am living out of Andrew's car? This is where my mind goes. This is what happens to my brain at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. I see tithing as a bill. Another one to add to all the others that I have to pay. I have to pay mortgage, HOA fees, student loan bills, medical bills, utilities, car insurance (which is still pending), phone bills, and food for everyone in the house. I know that everyone says to pay your tithing first and the rest will take care of itself. But, that is NOT possible. There just isn't enough when everyone wants a piece of me that I don't have. I am just angry. The way I see it, no one else understands. When I express how I feel about it, I am met with judgement and told that the way I feel is just not how it works. Too bad people. It's how I feel. I feel like I am being asked to PAY to be sealed to my husband. Just how I see it. I understand that it may come as a shock to a lot of people and their first reaction will be to send me a message telling me just how wrong I am. But, it's not going to change anything. It's not going to make me pay my tithing. I know that this is something that I have to do on my own. I know that it is something that will have to come to me. I will wake up one day and just realize "Hey, I should pay my tithing." But, until that day comes, I have to work through the anger.
So...... Love to everyone! Hopefully, you will not judge me too harshly for this.
Even if it's pointless, I'm going to tell you how I feel anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteI pay the bills, too. I don't make the money, but I pay the bills. I know when I see that check I don't have enough to pay for everything. Tithing is a bill for me too, but just like all the other bills, I'm paying for something I'll get in return. I pay for a house to live in. I pay for a car to drive. I pay for food to eat. I pay for TV for entertainment. I pay for my phone, my water, my gas (hehe), my power... all of it for MY BENEFIT. I pay tithing with a different mindset, but it is ultimately the same thing. It is a bill I pay, and I reap benefits from it. And sometimes I don't get to pay everything else. Sometimes there isn't enough money after. It doesn't all just 'work out'. However, I don't shave off tithing, because if I do, I'll never get back on track. So, the power bill is a few weeks late. So the fam has to eat Mac and Cheese for a month. So I don't drive anywhere because I can't afford the gas. Those are the places I make sacrifices because my Savior is more important than those things.
When I couldn't feed my family, the church fed them. I can't and will not ever forget that. How much the church and the service it provides for me, especially when I couldn't do it myself will forever be embedded in my memory, and I will always be in debt to the church for it.
What would happen if I went to the church for help and the Bishop said, I'd love to help you, but no one has paid their fast offerings, so there is nothing to give? Or if I wanted to go to the temple, but it was suddenly shut down because everyone stopped paying tithing, stopped serving?
It is the same as if I decided to stop paying mortgage. I'd be thrown out of my house and I wouldn't receive the benefits of what that money went for. If I stop paying tithing, I'm forfeiting the benefits that come from it... including going to the temple.
You are angry at something you don't understand. I get it. Because I go bat crazy over stuff I have to do that I don't understand. But the only way to understand it, to gain faith in it, is to do it. And keep doing it. And do it some more. None of us can have blessings from something when we don't hold up our end of the deal.
I love you, which is why I'm being honest with you. You can hate me all you want, toss your anger at me and call me a judgmental fool who doesn't get it. But I do. Trust me, I get it more than you know. It's hard. It's hard to write that check and turn it in. It's hard to see money go to something when you know it can go to something else. But that's when you see what is more important to you. The Lord blessed you with your dogs, with your house, with your job.
Love you, sis. I hope you find something to release your anger, or that you find something that you find in your life that makes you happy. Always here for you. :)
I was going to try to pull some words together to explain what I want to say...but I know I wouldn't say it right. I love what Cassie wrote. She is 100% right and said it better than I would have. I do want to point out a couple of things though.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, we are ALL terrified of being judged by others, especially those close to us. But I would say that 90% of the time nobody is judging you at all. You may feel like they are because of what they say or don't say to you, but the fact is that people who love you offer advice and personal examples as a way to try helping you, not to judge you. They love you and care about you and want you to be happy. I know that's how I feel about you! Everyone struggles and that's why we try to help each other out.
Secondly, when you think about tithing being hard...not coming easy to you...that's kind of the point, right? That's why its called a sacrifice. Because you have to give up something you normally wouldn't give up, even when you really need it. It is HARD. But its to prove a point...to prove yourself...to show what matters to you in your future and your gratitude for what you have been given in the past. It is to give up something good now for something greater in the future. If it were easy what would you be proving? Nothing. It wouldn't matter one bit.
I know you feel like you have to 'pay to be sealed' and you don't think that's fair...but think about the pioneers. Think of all they gave through blood, sweat, and tears for the right to even have that opportunity. The years and years it took them to build temples with their bare hands, some of which were destroyed afterwards. The land and crops that they lost. The people they buried along the way.
I'm not comparing you or me or anyone else to the pioneers. Times are different and trials are different. But the point is that they were obviously fighting and sacrificing for something that is of GREAT importance. It was worth it to them to go through all of that, and it will be worth it to you too. Even if you continue to go with the idea that you are paying for the right to be sealed, then do it. Pay for that right...Isn't Andrew, your marriage, and the joys of the eternities worth MILLIONS more than what God is asking you to contribute for those blessings?
You're a good person Becki, and the fact that you're struggling with this right now doesn't mean that you aren't faithful. It probably just means that you haven't gained a real testimony of tithing yet. Pray for help to work through your anger. Pray for understanding. Pray for opportunities for your testimony to grow, and do your part in working for those opportunities. The Lord loves you and He wants you to understand. As long as you're trying then you're on the right path, and no one can ever hold that against you. Please don't give up.
I love you! Let me know if you need anything!