Monday, September 26, 2011
Depression
There are different ways of dealing with depression. I have always been a believer that medication should be used as a last resort. A lot of this comes from my belief that people can become too dependant on medications. I have been in the worst of moods for the last month and cannot seem to shake it. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just cannot get rid of the sadness that I feel. I have been feeling incredibly lonely lately. Andrew is a wonderful companion and my best friend, but I feel lonely for the friendships that I have lost. The irreparable damage that was done when I left my other job and when I fought with one of my best friends is really taking it's tole on me. I have accepted that my friendship with them will never be the same, but still feel the sadness associated with it. I have always been taught that not everyone is going to like me, but I have been feeling that I am a person that people don't want to be around. I feel it at work, home, and around family. I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my whole life. I am so grateful to Cassie who has spent time with me over the last week. I am grateful that she took me to my mom's house for some social interaction. I just have too many regrets that keep pulling at my heart. The damage was not done by me entirely, but I took the blame for it. I don't regret doing that, but I do regret the hurt that has been caused. I have not felt forgiven. Everything has been conditional on how I "behave" after all was supposedly worked out. As long as I do not cause any more contention, as long as I don't express my feelings, as long as I am willing to accept that I am an emotional person but not express those emotions; then, and ONLY then, will I be able to be with my friends. I don't feel that this is how friendships should be. Is it worth it to feel like a friendship is conditional on whether or not I am happy? I never understood the term "fair weather friend" until now. I have been reaching out for help. Not receiving it has been painful and lonely.
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I know how you feel. It wasn't so long ago that I realized how 'conditional' my friendships were. I learned that people who I thought were my best friends didn't care nearly as much about me as I did about them. And if I didn't work for the friendship it dwindled away, because they never cared about it. Friendship, as a relationship, is not one-sided. You can be a good friend to someone by yourself, but you can't have a good friendship by yourself. That's how I feel anyway. It's very hard to deal with those realizations and not feel completely overcome by loneliness. I still have days when it hits me pretty hard. I realize that what I feel like I lost I never actually had in the first place: Real friendship. On those days I lean on my husband and my relationship with the Savior. They are the only people that stick with me no matter what. They help me immensely. The days when I really need a girlfriend and realize I have no one to turn to are the most difficult. But you can do it. That day will pass and you will feel better soon. Your trial will be "but a moment". Love you!
ReplyDelete"A true friend sticks with you through the good times and the bad, A true friend will say what you might not want to hear, but a true friend WON'T STAY MAD...
ReplyDeleteA true friend looks from the inside out and doesn't judge by a glance A true friend will stick by you even when you take a stance...
A true friend loves you for who you are not what you could be."
Becki, I think you are a true friend to everyone but yourself. The only forgiveness you need is from you. If others can not find it in their hearts to forgive you, then they are not worth having as friends.
I've been hurt by my friends countless times, but when they came to me with an apology, I forgave them. And when I've been the one who has done the hurting, they have forgiven me. This is what true friendship is.
It makes it nearly impossible to forgive yourself when your so-called friends aren't willing to let things go, but you have to in order to move on. Dwelling on the heartache and guilt will do nothing but leave you in a state of despair that is not easily cured. It takes patience and long-suffering, but you don't need to do it alone.
Know that when you say you're sorry to me, if you ever need to, the acceptance of that apology will not be conditional. You are my sister, and you are my friend. So when you feel alone, please know that you aren't.