Trials and Tribulations

Yesterday started out so wonderful.  Andrew and I were able to sleep in, Izzy was well behaved, and church was so great.  I hardly made any mistakes on the piano and Sacrament meeting was uplifting.

Unfortunately, Satan was not done focusing on us.  I came home from church to find insults on my porch.  I was shocked and hurt at this turn of events.  When I went to return some items that no longer have meaning to me, and that I no longer need, I was compared to a person that most people loathe.  I could not believe that someone that I care about would do that.  I am so lost and hurt.  I said some things that were hurtful as well and I know that in the heat of the moment it was wrong to say them, but things cannot be taken back now.  A friendship that has lasted for ten years is gone.  My heart is broken, it makes Andrew sad, our extended families sad, and most of all, I know this isn't what I wanted. 

I have been trying and trying to figure out a way to talk to Kelli, in doing so, she thought that I was acting like nothing was wrong.  On the contrary, everything is wrong.  I am no longer a friend to her.  I have lost both my friends in this because I have been told that I am no longer a good person.  And, to be compared to Grant was the worst thing that ever could have been done.  I fear that now things are irreparable.  I don't think we can fix what has been done.  I know that I am sorry for the way things turned out.  I know that I never intended to weasel her out of mine and Andrew's lives (as I have been accused), and I know that I miss my two best friends.  But, the damage has been done, people need to move on, and the contention between the two of us causes contention between Andrew and I.  I am forced to decide which relationship is more important.  Why should I have to make such a decision?  Why do we have to be so stubborn that we cannot sit and calmly talk to each other?  Why can't forgiveness mean just that?  Why do things of the past have to keep coming up?  And why do I always have to feel as though I am the one who is the bad guy?  I am not the one who initiated who decided that it was ok to return items that had been given in love?  In troubled times and trials of the heart, you truly do "find out who your friends are".

The thing that I can hope for is that Andrew and I can press forward in our goal to be sealed in the temple and receive understanding as to why I no longer go to family events.  I know that it is much more important for Kelli's family to be there because her children are so cherished by the family. Andrew will still have the opportunity to go, but I beg you not to ask why I am not there.  To those who care about Andrew, pray for him.  Pray that he is able to receive his priesthood, that we can go to the temple, and most of all, that he can heal from the pain of being forced into the middle of two people that he loves and cares about.

Love to all and I promise more uplifting entries in the future!