Food for Thought.....Literally

For a fat person, there is usually one thing that is ALWAYS on their mind.  Food. Food. Food.  And that is what I want to talk about today.  I was recently inspired by my sister to start getting healthy again.  I was healthy.  Before I got married for the second time.  I did ok married to Josh, but things rapidly decreased after I found out that he was a cheater.  I eat when I am depressed.  I eat when I am bored.  I eat whenever......  So, when Andrew and I got married, I seriously gave up on everything healthy and took him down with me.  Both of us gained weight.  I have now reached a high that I never wanted to see and I feel awful.  Here is the problem.  When I am not dieting, I think about food.  What am I going to have for breakfast?  What can I make for lunch, or should I go out to eat?  What can I make for dinner that is quick and easy because I will have to do it when I get home from work?  Food food food.  Then, when I diet, it's how many calories are in this?  How many points can I use for this?  How many carbs? How much protein?  Should I sacrifice some calories for some chocolate?  Food food food!  URGH!!!!!!!!!   I seriously hate it.  I don't want to think about food.  I don't want to be fat.  That is what I am.  Fat.  I know it, I can see it, I can feel it.  I am fat and not happy.  I am not comfortable in my skin.  We have 16 stairs that lead from our downstairs to our upstairs and I cannot walk up them without getting out of breath.  I can't walk my dogs.  My knees and feet cannot support my weight anymore.  I can feel my knees giving out on me.  My feet have been an issue for a while now.  It is just one thing after the other. 
I am tired.  Just plain old tired.  I am sad, depressed, and angry.  That makes me eat.  Eating makes me gain weight.  When will it end?  Will it EVER end?  I know that I have posted that I am working on things.  But, this time I mean it.  If I don't, I won't get better.  I won't get out of this depression that has plagued me for over a year.  And I won't be able to do the things that I want to do.  There is one way out.  And that is for me to work on me.  To try and be happy with who I am.  To work on creating a comfortable home environment.  To be a better wife and friend to my husband.  To support those who care about me.  I released a lot of negative energy in the last posts that I did, I don't regret it at all.  I don't think I can handle the negative feelings that I have around people who don't care anymore.  So, I have already taken the first step by finally saying everything that I needed to say to them.  Now, I can work on me.  Now I can take the time to improve both myself and my marriage. 
Here's to a change! Love to all and healthy eating!